Why Do We constantly Define?

The other day I was lying in bed with a friend discussing several topics about life in general. Somehow we ended up talking about the attitude of gay men towards each other, and how the simplest of things can make a guy want to date you or hate you.  Then we started talking about how many “butch” gay men are kind of brutal towards “feminine” guys. Don’t get me wrong, I understand why a guy would want to date a guy who is masculine and not a total queen diva, but is the labeling really necessary?

My friend went on to explain that he feels that we always want to define things. We always want to be detailed when it comes to the character of people, and I totally agree with him. For example: I recently heard someone talking about a fashion designer and they couldn’t remember the person’s name so they told me, “that gay designer.” Like seriously? Most designers are gay, but that’s not the point. Why is it necessary to disclose or state the designers’ sexual orientation? We have to give the individual credit for his talents not for whom he is sleeping with. At any rate… it ended up being Tom Ford who we were discussing. 

So why do we do this? Why do we have to bring up a person’s race, religion, gender, HIV status (if we know it), etc. when speaking about them? I mean we all know Justin Timberlake is straight, but we don’t say, “That straight singer Justin Timberlake.” But if the person belongs to a minority group or had different religious belief, which we found different like Hinduism, we would include it. We don’t see people as individuals instead we see them as part of a collective. I personally don’t see why we do this, but I catch myself doing it every now and then – and don’t think I don’t slap myself a little for it too.

As humans we try to define, categorize, and compartmentalize everything around us. I don’t know the reason but I can only conclude that it makes us feel better. From an early age we are taught girls play with Barbies and boys with soldiers. That simple lesson that our parents teach us to familiarize ourselves with our sexuality and who we are suppose to grow up to be initiates the desire to define. So how does defining mold us as gay men? Well it hurts us as gay men, that’s for one. We always want to define other gay men as queeny, fem, butch, jock, bears, etc. But is that really necessary? Why cant’ we see past the makeup “queeny” men like to wear? Why can’t we see past the muscles the “jock” gay guy has? Why can’t we just see past the whole “gay” title and call gay men, MEN! 

We are all individuals with different beliefs. We are all different in our own special way and we need to see past that. It is our individuality that makes life interesting and fun. If we would just stop using race, religion, sex, and titles to categorize us we would be taking a bigger step forward towards equality. It would help us open our minds and understand each person for whom they are and not what they are defined to be.

We may all look different in front of the mirror, but we are all still humans under the sun.


About Aleksandr Dissan

I'm an open book; ask me anything and I'll give you an honest answer. Truth gets me in trouble, but let’s everyone know where I stand. I'm a talker and expect answers... always straight forward. l say what's on my mind, no matter how crazy. If something doesn't make sense, I'll ask questions until we're on the same page. I keep to myself but have a wild side. Don't get too excited, I am old-fashioned. I'm a romantic. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. I give attention to a fault... yet I get over heartbreak once I know its not right for me. It might require a few days of crying and contemplation, but c'est la vie. I invariably give second chances. I figure, its easier to get something right when you have two tries. I'm painfully honest. If I feel a connection, you'll know it :) My friends are Golden. They treat me with disrespect and love, pain and laughter, and intellectual childishness. Might not make sense, but that's how you know you have a friend. My biggest pet peeve is being ignored. If I say something... respond. "I'm busy" or "not now" are better than nothing at all. Happiness can only come from within, but I think I know the kinda of person that would make that inner happiness much easier to hold on to... Attractive, intelligent, and a big heart - within a few years of my age and a couple inches of my height, athletic, masculine, but still cute. Someone who is ambitious but still takes time to breathe... a sense of humor, but capable of having a serious conversation when necessary. Someone who can tolerate roughing it, but also enjoys the finer things. Hmm and I have a soft spot for Bro Type Guys, Surfer Dudes, Guys with Tattoos, Military Guys, and Southern Country Men! (don't ask me why lol, I don't know!!!) So this all sounds pretty unlikely, but if you think this is you, say hello! I'm too exhausted to go out looking for love at the moment... so for now I'll just be doing my best to live my own life.
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6 Responses to Why Do We constantly Define?

  1. k3nnymac says:

    I was just thinking about this when I woke up. It use to not bug me but now I find it extremely offensive to here people use the word “gay” to describe something they don’t like… Not bad for your first blog buddy.

  2. Love it! Is this is your first attempt at a blog i am excited to see what else crosses your mind!! This was a great topic! Keep it going!

  3. Brian Lucero says:

    I really thought this was well written and said. Your attitude towards a topic that i had not heard very much about before really stood out to me, because while you defended your point of view, you were also very honest about the other points other people have made and usually lean towards making. Very honest and well written blog post Aleks and looking forward to reading some more of your ideas.

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