For more than 2-weeks I have been friends with this one guy online who is attractive and smart. Well actually, not so smart after today’s conversation. He is a med student in his mid 20’s. His profile says he is white American and he has a predilection for Latinos/Hispanics.
When I initially started talking to him 2-weeks ago I was interested in him as a possible “boyfriend.” He has this rugged yet refined look about him that really piqued my interest. I always felt that he would not be interested in me because like many white guys in Los Angeles, he has a liking for the Hispanic type. You know, the tan skin, dark features, and “Rico suave” personality. Although I am Hispanic I don’t quite fit that “stereotype” look. So at any rate… For some time we have carried on intelligent conversations, but tonight was different.
So I logged-on and ran across his profile tonight. Like always we had a good conversation about different subjects. Then at one point in the conversation I said, “Why don’t we meet for Starbucks or go to dinner.” He replied along the lines of, “I’m online looking for friends who can possibly become boyfriends. I look for masculinity in my friends.” I was like, “Ok, well if you’re calling me effeminate I am totally fine with that, but what does it have to do with being my friend?” That started a whole back and forth conversation about masculinity and femininity and so forth.
He ended up saying, “I have friends who are feminine and I don’t have a problem with that.” I said, “So then if it is not a problem then why don’t we go do something friendly together.” He said, “I am not using this site to make friends. I am using this site to make boyfriends.” I replied, “A minute ago you said you wanted to make friends who will possibly become your boyfriend.” He said, “Right, in other words, I am trying to just find a boyfriend on this site and it all starts with friendship.” At this point I was over him. 2-weeks of conversation with a man who appeared to be smart and attractive became 2-weeks of wasting my time. He then goes on to say, “I am doing just fine in the friends department so I don’t need any new ones. Although talking with you is always very engaging.”
Since I didn’t care about this guy’s opinion anymore I replied with, “Listen… your point is flawed. Friends are not to be measured by their masculinity they are to be defined by their character, actions, and heart. You obviously must have some sort of convoluted definition of what a friend is. To be honest with you even if you wanted to meet me now I wouldn’t meet you because you have turned me off on a ‘friendly’ level.”
Befriending someone because of how masculine or feminine they are is absolutely absurd. I totally understand that maybe you don’t want to surround yourself with all feminine guys or all masculine guys, but you should have a balance. Actually, I am no one to say you should have a balance, but it only makes sense that you would. Just because a guy is too feminine doesn’t mean you can’t have them in your group of friends. Maybe that super fag will one day give you the helping hand you need. I just don’t comprehend why someone would exclude being someone’s friend because of how gay they are. It only makes me believe that these individuals have some sort of sexual identity issue. Maybe they don’t want to be around gayer men because they don’t want to be seen as super gay or even worst, fags.
This whole experience gives birth to a new question, “Why is being effeminate such a bad thing?” As a gay guy I sometimes see myself saying, “Whoa, he is too gay.” But where did this internal dislike for guys who are girly come from? My mom never told me to hate boys who were girly. The closest thing my mom said to hate boys who are girly is, “Boys don’t cry.” So I can only point my finger at one other person, YOU! Yes, you reading these words. You’re a part of society aren’t you? Well society is to blame for this view of effeminate guys. We see men as having the upper hand. They are the bread winners, the butch, the tough, the know it all, and if they were effeminate they would be less than a man. That is probably why my mom said, “Boys don’t cry.”
What really bothers me is that this view comes between friendships. If you don’t want to date a guy who is more masculine than you or more feminine than you then don’t, but don’t reject a friendship. Going for a cup of coffee with a girly guy is not going to make you girly. Going shooting with a guy is not going to make you any butcher. At the end of the day we are who we are no matter what we do; no matter what activities we take part of we are still going to be the person we are meant to be. If you’re scared of what others think of you then you seriously have a problem. The only opinion that should matter is that of your inner circle of friends and family. People in the exterior shouldn’t matter.
As humans living in an ever-changing society we need to broaden our horizons. We need to accept others for the qualities they have and stop trying to define them. If you pick and chose your friends based on masculinity or femininity then you’re closing yourself off to some great people and friendships. Asides, what is too feminine or too masculine? We all have different definitions for levels of femininity and masculinity. We all have something different to offer – then again that is why god only made one of me and one of you. I personally know that I value my group of friends. I love all of my guy friends, my girlfriends, and girly guy friends. I don’t have a problem with befriending a super fag or a butch jock type. I welcome everyone with open arms as they do me because they see my loyal and genuine character as I see theirs. So, if you don’t want to be my friend because I am “in your eyes” effeminate or “too pretty,” then go ahead, don’t be my friend. I wouldn’t want to be yours.